I am very inventive. Someday I'll be known as Frozen Chicken Marinade Girl, and people will be all like, "You read her blog before she got famous? Wow!"
Here are some of my inventions: I invented the best breakfast of all time (leftover rice, whole milk plain yogurt, and Bedekar's mixed Indian pickle). I invented the best way to put children to sleep (sing as many verses of "I Will" as you can remember over and over again until they pass out in pure bliss). I invented the autobiographical book review. I invented orange and hot pink together, but that kind of got ruined by Isaac Mizrahi.
So - are you ready for my new invention? Oh, it's mine, I checked. Nobody invented it before I did. It's a new phrase: "do-meth-tic disturbance". Yeah? Huh? Like it? You like it. You will totally be using it the next time you have to call the cops because you're pretty sure the skinny, scabby, limp-haired girl across the street is about to get killed by her skinny, foul-mouthed, scary hyper boyfriend.
And I'm sharing it with you because I live in a nice neighborhood now, and I hardly ever have to do that anymore.