We are not monsters, we're moral people / And yet we have the strength to do this

Here's something my next-door neighbors seem not to know. If you aren't going to answer that phone, you know, the one that rings all day every day, the one that I have never heard you answer, even when I know you're right in the same room with it - you can TURN THE RINGER OFF.

Yes, that's what I'd say to them.

I'm thinking, instead, that I'll write a book. A book with foul and unpredictable toxic storms, thin-film solar, and a protagonist who finds mines for a living.

Yep, I've been reading MIT Technology Review again.

When my protagonist is not off reclaiming most of Cambodia and all of Afghanistan, a profession which leaves her hollow-eyed and hair-triggered and unaccustomed to the fellowship of man, she retires to her echoing wooden house, where she is slowly driven mad by her neighbors' ringing phone. That phone, like the dog in Summer of Sam, will be so relentless, so menacing, so personally intrusive that anyone who reads my book will jump and snarl at the sound of a real phone. That phone will gain a place on the 50 greatest villains in literature list compiled by the Daily Telegraph, alongside such fiends as Milo Minderbinder, the Marquise de Merteuil, and that bad rat Samuel Whiskers.

And my book will come with this bookmark.

Call me Deacon Blue

Got this in the mail yesterday.



Pretty lady. Naked, softly lit, hair slightly mussed - hm, what's she sellin'?

I guarantee you, unless you had heard of "C'elle" before, you would never in a million years guess what "The C'elle Service... Your Monthly Miracle ^SM" entails.



Open up the little folded packet. Oh look! Free holiday gift! Another dewy, tousled, naked lady! Mmm, I want skin like HERS - sign me up!

Tiny print: "Collecting and preserving your menstrual stem cells now can pay big dividends toward protecting your future health later."

My what?

Inside:

"EVERY MONTH HOLDS A MIRACLE"

"Miracle" is an interesting word to use. In the context of classy silver borders and white sans-serif type, "miracle" calls to mind Clinique-type miracles - fine lines that evaporate upon contact with the miracle cream; breathtaking skin tone achieved through the miracle of sea-bed mud. But when you're talking gynie stuff, "miracle" almost always refers to .. baby.

"The capabilities of a woman's body have always been considered miraculous, and now there is even more reason for us to marvel at how we are made."

How does that not imply parthenogenesis? That's when an egg "activates" itself and begins to form an embryo, which does happen in humans, but not frequently and never productively. An egg, though, not miscellaneous stem cells.

"During a woman's monthly menstrual cycle, blah blah, foo foo... Our menstrual stem cells may potentially provide customized medical treatments and therapies in the future."

Note the use of "may" Also, "potentially". Let's go to the FAQ's:

"Are there any published studies about C'elle cells and their uses?
Since the discovery of the C’elle menstrual stem cell, Cryo-Cell has made major advances in the study of this unique stem cell and in the commercialization of processes associated with its procurement, processing, isolation and cryopreservation. For example, Cryo-Cell collaborated with Dr. Amit N. Patel, Director of Cardiac Stem Cell Therapies at the McGowan Institute, University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, along with other independent research laboratories, to study these menstrual stem cells, which have demonstrated the capability in vitro to differentiate into neural, cardiac, bone, cartilage, and adipose cells, and possibly other cell types. Dr. Patel’s preliminary findings were presented on October 21, 2007 at TCT 2007, the annual scientific symposia of Transcatheter Cardiovascular Therapeutics, in a seminar entitled “Novel Cell Sources for Myocyte Repair and Replacement”. There are also numerous published studies discussing stem cells with many of the same properties of C'elle cells, although these referenced stem cells are often not nearly as prolific, easy to differentiate, harvest or as non-controversial, as the C’elle menstrual stem cell."

No, you don't have to read all that. It says, "not really."

And some other people say, "this is bullshit."

And I say that they're treading very close to implying something that is not remotely possible in today's political climate - self-cloning. They've got a serious The Island vibe going on with all that gray, although come to think of it, if you looked like Scarlett Johansson you might do well to look into self-cloning. Better than teaming up with a Ryan Philippe or a Billy Crudup to do your breeding.

In other menstruation news, there's a program at Procter & Gamble that's trying to fix the gender gap in Africa by building bathrooms and distributing maxi-pads and tampons to schoolgirls. Apparently, girls without access to good period protection stay home from school when they get their period. Bet that's something you never thought of.




And, as seen on Copyranter, if you get your period in France, there is the implication of actual blood, even in ads in glossy magazines.

Finally, I've said it before but I think it needs to be said whenever we're discussing people who make money off of "your monthly miracle," especially when they try to sell it back to us as glorious and empowering.

Fuck you.

That covers both Jane and Sassy

In our sleep

MUTINUS ELEGANS or stinkhorn mushrooms, originally uploaded by your neighborhood librarian.

You know that part in Dangerous Liaisons when John Malkovich, tricked into breaking up with Michelle Pfeiffer by the devious and jealous Glenn Close, keeps murmuring "It's beyond my control" and Michelle Pfeiffer keeps screaming at him to stop saying that?

Every time I step close to my back vegetable garden I am put in mind of that scene. That overgrown, mutinous thing: whenever I go near it I am bit, stung, scraped, entangled, or, as today, irrevocably grossed out.

I was examining the latest pumpkin (and may I say thank you pumpkins for turning beautifully Halloweeny orange - in AUGUST! you dumbass vegetables will have long returned to compost by the time we'd want to put you on the porch! stupid... pumpkins...), and when I pulled back some weeds - EW! The weirdest mushrooms I have ever seen!

Took a picture, came back inside, googled "dog penis mushroom". Ok: I know better ways to identify living things; I am one of about 230 people who own a copy of G.W. Hudler's classic Magical Mushrooms and Mischievous Molds, for pete's sake. I understand character keys and taxonomy, and I know where to find the online species databases.

But when you want to identify a mushroom that looks like a dog's dick, man there's nothing faster than the straightforward approach.

Stinkhorn. Mutinus elegans. Devil's dipstick.

The kids are into the folk-and-fairy creatures right now. In the car we're listening to The Spiderwick Chronicles (read by Mark Hamill, an interesting choice), and at home they are poring over compendiums of wee folk and dragons. In part, those books are about looking for and interpreting signs of the "magical creatures" around us.

Nibbled leaves, flattened grass, and unusual flowers are all supposed to be evidence of various sprites, fairies, etc.

Yeah. I'd like to see the wings on the fairy who left these in my garden.

(and for Christina, here's how to cultivate them)

Red lights, green lights, strawberry wine

Europa, arguably Jupiter's most elegant moon.

Science on a Sphere is a gimmicky name for one of the most jaw-dropping science visualization techniques I have seen in my life.

I'll let NOAA, the agency that developed Science on a Sphere, explain what it is:

Science On a Sphere (SOS)® is a room sized, global display system that uses computers and video projectors to display planetary data onto a six foot diameter sphere, analogous to a giant animated globe.

Yes, baby. You sit in the dark and the projectors beam synchronized images of a planet, or the sun, or a moon, onto this sphere, and then set it in motion. You can see pictures and movies online here, but let me explain: the sphere is the point. If you have a chance, go see one. We saw the one at the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, but they are installed at science centers all over the country.


When they showed the earth, suspended in the darkness as it is in space, glowing blue and green and white, tears came to my eyes. Compared to all the other hunks of rocks in our solar system, it looked to me as complex and lush and vulnerable as a sea urchin's egg.

This is where Forrestall cashed in

red cabbage pH experiment, originally uploaded by your neighborhood librarian.

Here are two things you can do when the CSA gives you red cabbage:

Science!

Strip off the outside leaves of the head of cabbage, chop em up coarsely (swear while you're doing it, how's that for coarse). Put the chopped cabbage in a heatproof nonreactive bowl or saucepan and pour boiling water over to cover. Let sit until cool. Discard the cabbage and keep the lovely purple water.



Your purple cabbage water is a homemade pH tester! Bases turn it varying shades of blue, green, and even yellow... acids turn it pink to magenta.

Some substances we tried - dish soap, baking soda, juice, milk, coffee, oil, bug spray, lime juice, tomato pulp, dirt, and chalk.

Side dish!

Chop and core the rest of the cabbage. Saute half an onion (chopped) in a large pan until it's sweet, then add the cabbage. Add some thyme or celery seeds if you like. Cook, tossing and stirring, until the cabbage is redder and softer, but not until it is limp.

Add 1/2 cup of cider vinegar to the hot pan, slap a cover on that baby, and remove from the heat. The vinegar steam will finish cooking the cabbage and the whole thing will come out unbelievably sweet.

Lost and gone forever

When I went looking for the cover to Clementine on This Old Internet, I found this:

On January 25, 1994, the Deep Space Program Science Experiment (DSPSE) (better known as Clementine) was launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base, California, on a mission designed to test lightweight miniature sensors and advanced spacecraft components by exposing them, over a long period of time, to the difficult environment of outer space. In addition to testing the various sensors, Clementine was given the complex task of mapping the moon. The mission results were spectacular.

Spectacular? I'll say. They've got the whole surface of the moon on the Internet for all to see. Have a look. You can browse it, zooming and panning, or you can get it to pinpoint lunar features for you. Kind of mind-blowing to see the lunar landing sites as cartoony red push-pins on a photo map of the moon.

Funk and science for Christmas

Christmas in Hades by Dan Goodsell. On sale in his Etsy store - get it while it's hot, heh heh oh nevermind.

Core77 has this terrific list of 77 Design Gifts Under $77. So many things on it are drooly, including the Richard Neutra house numbers from Design Within Reach (the most poorly named company I know of).

I have come across some good gift ideas myself this year. And since I don't have any money or time, and in fact precious few friends! I am offering my ideas to the public at large. All 23 of you.



1. The Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death by Corinne May Botz. Photographs of the work of Frances Glessner Lee, who "built detailed doll houses that replicated unsolved crime scenes as training tools and visual aides for detectives". It's wild - meticulous dollhouse lady creates teeny tiny CSI scenes, complete with spatter patterns. It kind of fits, right? You can see photos from the book at the Bellwether Gallery.

2. The Clumsiest People in Europe: Or, Mrs. Mortimer's Bad-Tempered Guide to the Victorian World by Todd Pruzan. As heard on NPR, just as funny as can be.

3. PureDigital's Point & Shoot video camcorder. You can get it at Target for $100. It's tiny and it doesn't use tapes, that was all I needed to hear. We've had one since September and we really really like it.

4.12-foot strings of paper lantern lights for ten bucks.

5. The Week-End Book, ("N.B.—mice cooked in honey should be imported from China, not prepared at home") by Francis Meynell.

6. A chrome cuckoo clock by Kikkerland, the people who bring us the Moleskine notebooks in the U.S.

7. The Chang & Eng Shot Glass ("make mine a double" aww that's just bad) from the Mütter Museum.



7. Lokki bedding from Textile Arts, your source for everything Marimekko.

8. The Panorama of New York City, 48 pages on one of the coolest models ever built

9. For your pal who spends every day in the garden, a badass Japanese Farmer's knife. Good for dividing perennials and for feeling extremely tough about it.

10. An upside-down chair for kids from DWR.



11. Brilliantly colored rugs from Joe's friend and neighbor Sara Schneidman. Ok, a little expensive, but these are on sale! And the greeting cards are considerably less.

12. A decorative hand-painted cooking shovel. Well I guess if I'm going to be shoveling food, I would like to be using a tool that is pleasing to the eye.

13. Rock´em Sock´em Robots. The original and still the most disturbing.



14. There's gotta be a repro map at the Library of Congress shop that's just the thing for your mapgeek friend. Well except they don't sell a repro of the 1869 Sachse Bird's Eye View of Baltimore, which they do have online in a format that allows fine zooming, oh it is cool. You can pretty much only get that from KJA Posters, and I have no idea whether their printing is any good or not.

15. Every house that has kids and yard should have a copy of Roots, Shoots, Buckets and Boots by Sharon Lovejoy.

16. Edward Tufte's new book, Beautiful Evidence, $45 or so from Amazon.

17. Ian Fleming's James Bond: Annotations and Chronologies for Ian Fleming's Bond Stories by James Griswold. Just get it for your dorky cousin and for me, ok?



18. Meet Danielle Gori-Montanelli, the Leonardo of felt. You can see necklaces and scarves on her website, but she also makes smaller things, flower brooches and the like, out of her beautiful layered felt.

19. Buy your crazy-ass brother-in-law a crazy-ass little kiwi skull from Skulls Unlimited. They also carry a t-shirt with illustrations from Cuvier's 1836 Recherches sur les Ossemens Fossils. Beautiful and obscure.



20. "Curiously strong magnets" from ThinkGeek. Do you know anyone who couldn't use a pack of magnets strong enough to affix a hammer to the fridge? Or.. a monkey from a shelf? I ask you!

21. Marge Margulies' breathtaking pottery.

22. How about a DIY gilding kit from Talas? Hasn't your little sister always wanted to gild something? Like her stapler... or her tampon case?


23. You can't go wrong with a gift from Aedes de Venustas, a lavish little store in Greenwich Village. Especially the perfumes from L'Artisan Parfumeur. You want to get real fancy, buy mom the Terracotta Amber Ball (above) room fragrance thingy.

24. The Skull Alphabet Book by Jerry Pallotta and Ralph Masiello. Amazing, gorgeous illustrations and neat riddles, plus hidden pictures. My kids gnawed every scrap of flesh off the bones of this book.

25. Toys from metalsmith Kristin Lora, especially her little cars.



26. Locas by Jaime Hernandez. Breathlessly described as "the entirety of the original Locas saga from the first fifty issue run of Love and Rockets ... now available in one mega-massive (over 700 pages!) hardcover volume". Also, it's only fifty bucks from Atomic Books.

27. The Most Beautiful Periodic Table Poster in the World. Available in multiple sizes, at multiple price points. The laminated place mats may just be the best version - they have the story of each photo on the back.

28. A peg-legged, eyepatched, hook-handed pirate made of one long piece of string - the perfect stocking stuffer for the one you love. Zombie also available.

29. Pretty interchangeable glass pendants and earring bobs for your sister-in-law.



Mr Three, back when he was Senor 6 Weeks

30. Last but not least: for the babies, you just can't beat the striped zipper jammies from Hanna Andersson, as seen above on Mr. Three, who never has worn a stitch that's new but whose hand-me-down Hannas always look brand-spankin'. They're organic cotton and they last through at least four kids. Hand 'em down and pass 'em around.


PS: ALMOST FORGOT! Mr. Librarian's special surprise gift this Christmas - the SimpliciTree, a fully-decorated artificial Christmas tree that rises to its full height of 7 1/2' at the touch of a remote control button!!!

Scare the kids! Startle the cat! Get Grandma really really confused! "Is it the eggnog, or is your tree... moving?"

Available in Angel-y White, Glimmery Gold, and, uh, Satanic Scarlet (above).

A heartfelt thank you to Sandy for bringing this gem, the Entish Liberace, to our attention. Dayum.

Think big

I happened upon the Baltimore Clear Sky Clock today. My first reaction was the usual unalloyed delight I have in discovering people more geeky than myself... and this is really a super thing, cross-referencing moon phase and cloud cover to show at a glance the optimal times for astronomical observing.



A guy named Attilla Danko (could you make that name up?) wrote it, for the good of humanity and the glory of being cited on some obscure blog like mine.

There are links here to topo maps, to satellite images, and a cutie-pie service that emails you whenever viewing conditions are at their best.

There are also clocks for 2839 other locations, in case you needed an excuse to call your brother in Seattle at 4am. "Get up! Get up! Now is the moment for Comet Giacobini-Zinner!"

(Have you created your own personal astro-calendar yet? Once you choose which types of events - meteor streams, eclipses, whatnot - you wish to keep track of, you can "import events into Outlook, your PDA or other personal planner software - to be alarmed before an event takes place." I'm alarmed already, frankly.)

But my second reaction was - damn - Baltimore blows for stargazing.