How to train your dragon by Cressida Cowell - review

How to train your dragon by Cressida Cowell. Age 5 to 10.

What do you want me to say? If the kid in question likes stories about monsters that aren't very scary... if the kid likes the funny... if the kid likes the mythical creatures... yeah man, you can recommend this series of books (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III) to a lot of kids. Hell, there's a movie contract already, so you know it's got broad appeal. (Either that, or an eleven-year-old orphan, which actually this one does not - Hiccup's father, Stoic the Vast, is alive and well and very loud.)

In fact, we listened to this one on audio. Gerard Doyle was the narrator, and my god - the guy really put his back into it! He even sang! He was so entertaining that while we noticed the occasional overuse of phrases and words, it just didn't bother us. Based on this reading, Gerard Doyle has made my short list of all-time favorite readers (others are Tim Curry, Jim Dale, Chiwitel Ejiofor, Campbell Scott, and Stephen Fry). Thumbs up.

No, I do have one more thing to say: Hiccup is brave and smart and a loyal friend. This is a funny book with a big heart. Extra thumbs.

Each pregnancy lowers your IQ 5 points

Not. Eating. This.

I am full of recommendations, mostly unsolicited. I will tell you:

• kimchi is good for a cold
• sweet peas grow best if sowed in fall
• get your funky shoes at Ma Petite Shoe
• it's better to start your Mail Merge from Excel
• move to Hampden
• freeze chicken in the marinade
• read the user's manual
• pay the movers to do your packing
  
• Bedekar mixed pickle is better than Mother's

There are not too many categories about which I feel totally ill-equipped to provide advice. I am a real pain in the ass. For example, Big Man (above) seems somewhat skeptical about my endorsement of Thai okra. That's ok, I was kidding.

So it's kind of for the best that I work at the public library. People ASK me questions - not just

"Which tax form should I use?" which I answer with an IRS publication: no way am I touching that one

or

"How can you tell if a woman is a lesbian?" which kind of boggled me for a minute but I found a book called like "101 Questions You Might Have About Homosexuality" (I did NOT tell him "look at her shoes" which is outdated advice anyway and which, if you follow it, will give you the wrong idea about most many librarians and all most nuns)

but also

"Can you recommend a book about trucks for my three-year-old?" which I am UNBELIEVABLY qualified to answer, having read every children's book about trucks published since and including Mike Mulligan and his motherfucking Steam Shovel.

What I really enjoy giving advice on is books for 13-year-olds. Seems counter-intuitive, as most kids are getting surly or at least uncommunicative by the age of 13, but I have an in with these kids. I'd like to think it's because I look them in the eye and respect their opinions, but I know better. It's the big tattoo on my forearm. God, I love that tattoo.

I like helping them find books because their books are so great lately! Probably the last "teen" book you read was Forever by Judy Blume. Well, Judy Blume is still out there (and people are still gettin all bent out of shape about the sex in Forever), but there's a recent spate of books - tight, exciting, and sans melodrama - that are so good that I recommend them to adult readers. Readers with short attention spans, like moms with little children. Fantasy readers; or people who like kind of edgy fiction. So I'm taking my act on the road - here's a short list of books I cannot recommend highly enough:

• Kiki Strike in the Shadow City by Kirsten Miller. Fifth grade girls exploring an underground New York City. History, espionage and adventure.
• The Supernaturalist by Eoin Colfer. It's sci-fi, but it's not all magicky. Lots of action and an intricate plot.
• Montmorency: Thief, Liar, Gentleman? by Eleanor Upland. In Victorian London, a thief reinvents himself as a gentleman. Interesting information about the jail system and sewers, and a great story.
• Stowaway by Karen Hesse. Inspired by the true story of a boy who stowed away on Captain Cook's ship Endeavour on its 1768 voyage of discovery. Great gateway to the amazing story of the voyage, written with economy and color.
• His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman. Indescribable. I ripped through these 3 books in about a week. Metaphysics, politics, fantasy, all in a quick-moving, tightly-plotted story.
• The Alex Rider series by Anthony Horowitz. 13-year-old MI6 agent. James Bond, Jr.
• The Weetzie Bat books by Francesca Lia Block. These are lovely. Weetzie and her friends live their dreams in Los Angeles. They fall in love, break up, have babies, and dress like Patricia Field threw up all over them.

I get 'em on audio, that way I can be reading a book and also following a book in the car. And I have to say, my goodness, Tim Curry adds a lot to A Series of Unfortunate Events; Stephen Fry's edible baritone absolutely makes Montmorency; and some guy named David Cale is shivering my timbers reading Stowaway. Mmm! Oh, also that actor Chiwetel Ejiofor, from Dirty Pretty Things, was VERY effective reading The Supernaturalist.

And by "effective" I mean that I kind of wished I had headphones so that he could be whispering in my ear. And for you adults - Campbell Scott reading Oryx & Crake by Margaret Atwood. Dry and haunted. Now all I need is for Clive Owen to start doing recorded books and I swear to god I would crash the car.

And also he said "fuckers"! (reprise)

And also he said "fuckers"!, originally uploaded by pwilnyc.

You know, it's totally wrong, but I love kids saying bad words.

1.
Mr. Three here went through a two-day phase of modifying every noun with the word "goddamn". We didn't laugh - you mustn't laugh - but it almost killed us.

"Hey dad, can we get some goddamn nuggets at goddamn Ol McDonalds?"

"I love the goddamn Tot Lot!"

"Mommy can we pease have goddamn bubbas in our goddamn baff?"

2.
When his older brother was about a year old he tried out "shit" the same way. Just kept practicing, under his breath. Driving to pick up my husband fromwork, I would hear these whispered curses from the back seat, as if he were trying to, I don't know, thread a needle and kept missing.

3.
I listen to audio books in the car. The current selection is Heat, Bill Buford's book about the restaurant Babbo. I hadn't expected the content to be a problem for the kids to overhear - it's about cooking, right? But I was wrong.

We're tooling along the highway, the kids are jabbering happily to each other. In the book, Joe Bastianich is commenting unfavorably on a restaurant in a village at the base of the Apennines.

All of a sudden the Big Man (almost 5) says, "Stop the tape!"

I stop the tape, and Big Man says, "That man on the radio just said 'Joe'!" (They have an Uncle Joe and aren't aware that it's a fairly common name.)

I say, "Well isn't that something!"

"Yes!" chirps Mr. Three, "And also he said 'fuckers'!"

Wuh-oh, red alert - don't laugh, figure out how to keep this from getting out of hand, we are on our way to my mom's.

"...FUCKersss..." Big Man repeats, really savoring the word. "That's a GOOD word!"

"No it's not," I hurriedly shoot back. "It's, uh, it's really not a word at all." Lie # 2847. When they learn to read they are gonna be pissed.

I pop the tape back in hoping to distract them and hoping Joe Bastianich watches his fucking language for ten more minutes. It's not that my mother will think I'm a bad mom, it's that my father will piss himself laughing when they roll out their new favorite word, and then I'll never be rid of it.

The narrator intones, "This book is continued on Cassette Two".

"Cassette Two..." both boys repeat, rolling the syllables around in their mouths... "Cassette Two!"

Crisp diction

Cheers!
Originally uploaded by pwilnyc.

I've got the audiobook of Heat, by Bill Buford, right? I listen to audio books in the car, because we no longer have a stereo thingie in the house. Much of the time, when I am driving, I have the kids in the car with me.

Which means, ok, that sometimes my kids are listening to age-inappropriate material. I mean, I'm not listening to The Diary of Anais Nin or anything, mostly it's like City of Falling Angels (disappointing and boring) or young adult books, like Son of the Mob by Gordon Korman (excellent and funny).

So right now it's Heat. I hadn't expected the content to be a problem for the kids to overhear - it's about cooking, right? But I was wrong.

We're tooling along the highway, the kids are jabbering happily to each other. In the book, Buford is describing Joe Bastianich commenting unfavorably on a restaurant in a village at the base of the Apennines. All of a sudden the Big Man says, "Stop the tape!"

I stop the tape, and Big Man says, "That man on the radio just said 'Joe'!" (They have an Uncle Joe and aren't aware yet that it's a fairly common name.)

I say, "Well isn't that something!"

"Yes! chirps Mr. Three, "And also he said 'fuckers'!"

Wuh-oh, red alert - don't laugh, figure out how to nip this in the bud, we are on our way to mom's and really the last thing I need is them whipping out their favorite new word in front of Grandfather. He would pee himself laughing and I'd never hear the end of it.

Big Man repeats, "...FUCKersss..." really savoring the word. "That's a GOOD word!"

"No it's not," I say. "It's really not a word at all." Lie Number 3,590. When they learn to read they are gonna be pissed.

I pop the tape back in hoping to distract them and hoping Joe Bastianich watches his fucking language for ten more minutes.

The narrator intones, "This story continues on Cassette Two."

"Cassette Two..." both boys repeat, tasting the consonants... "Ca-ssette Two!"