Rewind me and play me again

You didn't actually think I was going to liveblog the Oscars, did you? What kind of a shallow, friendless feeb do you take me for?

I'm not friendless. I got Mr. Three sitting by me on the couch. Just now he asked "Is that Tavis Smiley?" No little boy that's Eddie Murphy, whom Baltimoreans still mistakenly call Eddie Murray. God knows who he thinks Barbara Walters is.

Leonardo diCaprio, jeez who'd'a guessed he'd end up less handsome than Ben Affleck?

Naomi Watts' boobs look terrible in the strapless. She's the girlfriend of my old friend Jenny's cousin Liev, who in school was called Baba Hagen Dasz because he'd lived on an ashram with his parents for a while and got renamed something very silly.

Shame about Jennifer Hudson's little jacket. It's gonna give her one of those weird sunburns like the penguins in Madagascar.

Anne Hathaway, whoa that black bow sucked up against her chest and why? It's not exactly a big succulent target.

Holy crap though how does Penelope Cruz always look so fantastic? She has a lazy eye and a broken nose but even Three says, "Look at that girl, she's so beautiful!"

Jada Pinkett Smith has joined the throng of celebrity children's book authors. Her book isn't bad at all (unlike Jason Alexander's, something really cringey about the tooth fairy). Her gold dress is phenomenal.

Cameron Diaz is wearing a bib and forgot to brush her hair. But Three likes her too.

Lord look at the lumpy torso on Eddie Murphy's date. Must be the dress because there's no way that girl is flabby.

Once again the British women look like winners. Cate Blanchett and Helen Mirren both look stunning, and they got their hair did, unlike half the Americans.

Well Kate Winslet could have had her roots touched up. And light green, oo tough color. But the girls are adequately supported and comfortable-looking -- am I completely obsessed with famous boobs? What's wrong with me?

Dame Helen is wearing false eyelashes! More people should. And speaking of support, jesus how does a torso that old look that fantastic?

The opening sequence looked neat. How would I know because my family was playing the New York Architecture game 3 feet away and crowing about every building they recognized. Lincoln Center is "Peter Venkman's place" to them, because of Ghostbusters.

Urg, white shoes, even white cowboy boots, oh, Ellen. She should have had a Nudie suit made. Jeez how weird, she's beginning to look exactly like, oh who is that blonde character actress with the big toothy overbite and the short upper lip who's not Edie Falco or Felicity H. Muffman?

Oh Christ the little girl is wearing an ARBOR. A garden fence? I see cute fancy dresses for little girls ALL the TIME and think "Why do I have only boys?" and then I remember, oh, yeah I'd be terrified if I had a girl. She or Dakota Fanning or Drew Barrymore could wear ANYTHING from the Chasing Fireflies catalog and not look weird, but they must go out of their way to find something icky for the little girls to wear.

Gospel singers. The Europeans are all like, "Who are these people in the dresses?"

Oh hold on Daniel Craig. Aaak and Nicole looking all strangeled. Nobody tighten that thing, her head will fall off. Daniel Craig looks like Kirk Douglas when he smiles - he shouldn't smile.

Maggie Gyllenblahblah's dress makes her shoulders look like a swimmer's. Although there she is correctly pronouncing "densitometer" again - a thousand geek boys just spontaneously ejaculated.

I'm easily over Will Ferrell. Without Cheri Oteri and a cheerleader outfit he just makes me flinch. But it's nice that he and Jack Black can actually sing. We finally saw School of Rock a month ago and ok it was ok. Peter O'Toole can't actually hear them but if he did he still wouldn't get it. I love clueless British people.

God and Abigail Breslin's dress also has a HOOP. That poor little girl. And somebody did her hair like she's 30. But cripes Will Smith's little boy is BeYouTiFul. The Jolie Pitt baby has a long way to go to top him. Ha Will Smith looked so geeky when the kid flubbed, nice to see a real dad looking like a dad.

Wow the guy who made West Bank Story is gorgeous. Maybe he's too smart to be an actor.

The Sound Effects Choir, they should have their own show! How do you get involved in that kind of thing? Are they the kid in high school who could make that water drop sound with his cheek and who decided to run with his strength? What crawled up Beyonce's torso and is trying to infest her hair?

Jessica Biel. Jiggly.

Jodie Foster. Grow your hair.

Gwyneth Paltrow. Still snotty-looking.

Rachel Weisz. Brush your hair except I think I might be the only one looking at you above the neck.

Djimon Hounsou. Whoo.

Alan Arkin wins Best Supporting and you gotta figure it's partly for the In-Laws. Wears the bald head almost as well as Djimon Hounsou. Nicholson doesn't.

Pilobolus? Why don't they just get Mummenschanz and get it over with?

Al Gore, if he'd had a sense of humor and a smile when he was running for president - oh I forgot, he did win. There we go, Leonardo diCaprio did that thing with his eyebrows, I guess he's still attractive after all.

Oh, Peter O'Toole got a joke! Way to go old man!

I just swallowed my tongue. Someone has used This is the Day by The The in a tv ad. Possibly my favorite song of all time. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Me and Nancy (and Liblif the Librarian) were the only ones in the world who still loved The The. UPDATE: It's an M&M's ad, something about how M&M's are like a lifestyle or something.

Ok welcome back Ellen. Who IS that actress she's looking like, she always plays moms and really polite women? WEIRD.

Oops Cameron Diaz's bib got rumpled. What HAS she been up to backstage? I'm guessing Marky Mark. He's looking pretty good and he's got that nice deep voice.

Do you think that's Ben Affleck's original nose? It's littler than Cate Blanchett's. Too small, judging from his strangly voice.

I wonder how much Tom Hanks paid Rudy Giuliani to borrow his lips?

Wes Anderson's AmEx ad more fun than anything yet this evening. Except for The Bear Show, that was classic.

I know who AngerHangover is rooting for in Costume - her Ikette obsession means she's going to wait for the Dreamgirls models in a back alley and strip them naked. What she does after she steals their dresses is between them.

Me I was going for Patricia Field but mostly because I used to shop there. I wear drag queen sizes. Of course Milena Canonero won, god just the work that must have gone into those Marie Antoinette costumes... and I love a woman who can wear a tux that well.

Alert! Tom Cruise! Hey, sans bangs! Did someone wrestle him to the floor with a can of hairspray? Maybe that's what Cameron Diaz was doing to get so rumpled.

Sherry Lansing has had a stroke? And forgot to get her eyebrows done? Penelope Cruz's ma is chewing gum? There's a moth in here? Something has gone entirely awry. Who names their kids Cedric and Jack?

Ha ha, Gwyneth and Nicole showed up wearing the same wig! And Gwyneth is still smoking, even with the kid(s), listen to that voice. Plus even Mr. Librarian thinks there's something wrong with her breasts in that dress. Can it be true? Am I not the only one checking out the celeb boobies tonight?

Robert Downey! Can we get some twitching? Ah good, thanks. Mr. Librarian thinks Naomi Watts is a looker. I can't get past the thought of her and the giant scowling Jenny-cousin and wondering if that's what happened to her tits. Yay the pirate movie won something! What? I wasn't paying attention, I was looking at Robert Downey's profile and fondly remembering him dying in the convertible driving past the wind farm.

Catherine Deneuve's boob is masquerading as the stone in the King Arthur legend. Is that actually a trickle of blood embroidered down her gown? Dag, she looks wonderful and that dress is MESMERIZING. Why doesn't everybody who has to go to one of these things find something that interesting?

Clive Owen, mmm. Still, did you consider maybe a tie? and a haircut?

I'm with Heather and Jessica. The interpretive dance stuff is actually frightening, and reminds me of the 80's when I first started watching this drivel.

Jennifer Hudson possibly the only woman in the UNIVERSE who would ignore George Clooney on her way off the stage. What's that, little man? oh you got that envelope for me? sure I'll take that, and could you get me a Diet Coke?

Eva Green's teeth are still crooket, and what's with all the eyeliner and the scowl? Hair like Anne Boleyn. Dress like she's been buried a while and dug back up. Is she Dutch? She said "pooverty". Am I jealous because she was Daniel Craig's Vesper Lynd? Doesn't excuse that hair.

Oh god I just laughed at Jerry Seinfeld. The evening is Just Not Funny. Except Al Gore holding an Oscar - that's kind of funny, in a Governor Schwarzenegger kind of way.

Motherfucking soupy-ass Celine Dion. I'm going outside in the freezing cold to smoke a cigarette. I can take a lot but not that.

[inhale. exhale.]

Hey I just saw a little bunny rabbit hopping through the snow! Nicotine and a bunny: antidote administered. I can carry on.

And bonus: they toss me Hugh Jackman! Plus Penelope in her terrific dress. And Park Heights' own Philip Glass. The BSO is finally playing Philip Glass this weekend and he couldn't be there because he had to strap on the tux and go to LA. So, he didn't win, the guy who played that crazy lute thing deserved it I'm sure.

Dr Sunken Tits acquitting herself well - although the dress is odd and does nothing to assist those tits, at least it's not patently homelessesque and it's nice and fluffy when she walks - but she should have tied Tobey McGuire down and shaved his face. He's little, she could have.

Hennifer Lopez is trying out a dignified, grownup dress with a shitload of jeweled hardware, but you can still see her nipples. Sigh.

And now WHY didn't Jennifer Hudson wear that red dress all night? That brown one had POCKETS, and the straps cut the hell out of her. Heh - Beyonce can swing that overskirt and flail around all she wants, her skinny torso is never going to upstage Jennifer H's boobs. Prize goes to Third Girl though - now THAT is a dress. AND a hairdo.

Queen Latifah has also written a children's book, this one involving basketball. Our friend Pat, who records her, attested that she is actually a totally fierce basketball player: recording an album in Florida, they'd all play basketball on breaks, and she and her girlfriends routinely destroyed the all-boy team of producers and engineers.

God and a Wendy's ad to Blister in the Sun. What's next? Husker Du advertising the Gap?

Always love the dead-people montage. I'm so out of touch. Maureen Stapleton died? Jack Warner? But... didn't Jodie wear that same dress a couple years ago? I suppose you have to admire thrift, but, uh...

No, what's next is the Pogues selling Cadillacs. On the Sunny Side of the Street. If I shook my head any harder it would fall off.

Helen Mirren. See above RE: boobs looking good, being British a plus.

Dayum look at Reese Witherspoon's hair! Wowza, long straight blonde hair and a black top is a really nice look, I gotta remember that - oh wait.

Forest Whitaker, I have to say it, I shed a little tear and all, but by god that is one weird-looking dude.

Big fat lovefest for Scorsese, they loaded it up by having Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola present it. Jeez if a bomb hit that stage maybe we'd be spared all these friggin men men men movies. I'm sure The Departed is a fine movie, ah, see that, it won Best Picture. But gads that's a lot of boys.

Say Good Night.