Here we go, the broadcast version. No cable.
Best Director. I'm on the last of the wine, so let's get this going. Scorsese is kinda getting like Woody, the ticcy delivery, they eyebrows. Although he looks decidedly better in a tux. Coens it is. I'm kind of taking this as an award for Cormac McCarthy too, although of course he's not there (wait, no, is that him?). More flailing. I just love these guys. One of 'em's married to Frances McDormand, my role model. Thar she blows, fingers in her mouth, whistling! Love that chick.
God, even Denzel is getting a little squinty. I have to say I rooted for someone else for Best Actress, Director, Screenplay, but I want Juno to get Best Picture. But No Country for Old Men sweeps it! And wow, yup, there's our man Cormac.
Best Actor. Look at that, back when he made Philadelphia, Tom Hanks's eyes used to open. All these squinty guys. Jesus Dame Helen looks fantastic against the blue backdrop, in her crystals and red satin, plus that shiny shiny hair. She makes the young girls look like crap.
Daniel Day Lewis could stand there reading the owner's manual for our Civic and I would just drink it in. He's got the most beautiful voice.
Bob brought me Cheetos and cigarettes. God I love that man.
Harrison Ford, still dating the skeleton. Guy has more cool movie themes associated with him than anyone else. I bet if he walks in a room and doesn't hear Raiders of the Lost Ark, he doesn't know he's there.
Screenplay. Bets, please. Diablo, you knew it. They're playing Kinks, that's so strange. Possibly the most prominent tattoo ever on the Oscars, as well as most prominent skull-themed jewelry. Thank you, Diablo, for being interesting looking, for worrying that your slit is too high, and for choking up. And I am super glad you family loves you just the way you are, although if they didn't before tonight, I bet they do now.
Score. Amy Adams back in her first dress of the night. Can't see her ass from here, but her hair looks good. They made her say "brilliantly inventive composers." Take that Diaz, tripping over "cinematography" when that's actually the award she was presenting and you'd think she'd'a practiced the word. Atonement gets score. Woo.
I like Tom Hanks a lot more now after Charlie Wilson's War. I had been real sick of him being Our Man in Space... but oh god now he's Our Man Representing the Troops. Pretty cool that they've gotten service members to present doc short subject. That's really lovely.
Stewart, what a guy. Bringing out Marketa, who got scooted off the stage before she could do thanks for the Best Song. She's sweet and inspirational and Jon is clearly completely smitten. Awwww!
Oh Christ Cameron Diaz is drunk as well as looking like hell. There Will Be Blood got it for cinematography. Ok.
The shiny decorations on Hillary Swank's funereal gown are beginning to crawl toward her neck, or is that half a bottle of wine talking?
Who's dead? Kitty Carlisle! That guy! Jane Wyman! That other guy! Michael Kidd, Antonioni, ooh, the kid from Hook, that's got to be a terrible story. Moneypenny, I knew that. Laszlo Kovacs, inspiration for one of the best fake names I've ever heard. Suzanne Pleshette? Jeez! Bergman, man it's been a bad year for auteurs. And poor crazy Heath.
Thank you for brushing your hair. I'll make a whole Golden Girls theme song about Penelope Cruz's hair. Plus I like the blue, plus I like the fluffies around the bustline. Makes Jessica Alba's dress look like it was trimmed by a 70-year-old New Jersey housewife. Penel always looks great at these things. Kind of don't like the drape across the front though.
Guck. Patrick Dempsey "versatile and talented"? No, he's JUST CUTE. Notice HE'S not singing any of these crappy songs, or even dancing. And wait, is that Amy Adams dancing to the THIRD blah song from Enchanted? If that's her, her third dress of the evening, that purple thing, makes her ass look GIANT. If it's not her, why did they pick a dancer with a giant ass?
Best Song. Travolta. You know, there is nothing wrong with gay. Just be gay! And grow your hair out. Well, I'm happy for the Once kids if only because it means that none of those boring Enchanted songs made it. But poor girl, did your hair guy miss the plane? You got a nice dress, after all.
Hey hold on there's a whole bunch of people with pink hair in a J.C. Penney ad! Screw you guys, I own that!
Stewart doing Wii with the singing kid funniest thing yet. And Oh SHIT here's Fug the READ Poster poster boy Colin Farrell. I hate that guy. He got all innapropriate on Linda Sue Park in an elevator once, and his is the only Internet sex video I have ever seen even a second of, and I'm not sure how that happened. It might have started up automatically on some website or something. I'm still so scarred. And I'm so sick of this song from Once. It feels like it's been around forever, like it's a Van Morrison song that gets used in every sensitive moment in every movie ever. Really makes the Moldy Peaches sound like geniuses.
So here's Jack. Whatever, Jack. At least he ditched the sunglasses. And here's Renee. More grey, and she still has that awful haircut. At least it looks fluffy this time, and the dress fits, of course.
I can't believe those slight songs from Enchanted got all nominated and stuff, and Eddie Vedder, who, ok, we used to always deride as the guy who sang like "Hurrr, hurr, hurrr," didn't get nominated for the music from Into the Wild. That "Big Old Sun" song is good.
And here's Nicole. Her necklaces are all crooky, and she missed the memo about pregnant = purple. Black looks awfully creepy on pregnant, I don't care how well it sets off your ivory skin. I'm not even going to mention the face. You'd think she'd have to lay off the toxin while she's carrying, but what do I know.
Vosges Oaxaca Bar: guajillo and pasilla chiles, Tanzanian bittersweet chocolate. Ooh! The bitter 75% cacao really goes with the chilis - often that high a cacao content is just too much. This is really good.
Oh and some old guy is talking. Some old guy who apparently knows everybody, I've never heard such a name-dropper! With the obligatory white scarf that the old guys always have to wear. I think even Kirk Douglas wore one. I'm gonna eat more of that chocolate and pour some more wine.
Oh my god it's my friend Sam with a bad Jewfro wig! Wait no that's Seth Rogen. Sam's curly wig is pink. What's this award for? Action sequences? I should pay more attention. Wait, was that Shia LeBaeiouf in Transformers? I didn't know that - I might have seen that movie if I knew that Constantine's sidekick was in it. Love that guy.
Wow they blew up a horse in 3:10 to Yuma. Maybe we should put that one in the Netflix queue too. Not often people blow up horses.
One of the sound guys on The Bourne Ultimatum tripped on the walkmodel's dress. Dude, you just looked dumber than Rogen!
Best Actress. Nice to see Cotillard's eyebrows grew back. Man, what a crew of actresses, and I still don't get why Allison Janney didn't get nominated for Best Supporting Actress.
Ok I didn't see La Vie en Rose but good god how many times does Cate Blanchett have to torture herself in hoops and corsets before they'll give her an Academy Award? On the plus side, Cotillard seriously looks like she might throw up.
Jessica Alba's hair is boring. I said it. I guess she didn't want it to compete with her bust feathers. The ones ON her dress, not in it, you perv. But now that you mention it, the feathers do obscure her best assets. Color is great though - purple is I guess the way to go for pregnant nowadays.
You know what I loved James McAvoy in? Bright Young Things, it was kind of an awful, obviously coke-fueled period film by the otherwise brilliant Stephen Fry. He should go back to whoever styled him for that movie, cause he's looked awful since then, even in The Last King of Scotland, when he had coolio 70's suits and leisure wear. Go back to the cute, Jimmy!
Got to love the Coen Bros. They're like so improbable as big-time Hollywood guys, they can't even manage a speech at the Academy Awards without a little flailiness.
Oh Christ Chenoweth is going to do a header in that fluffy rag. You just can't prance around in floor-length chiffon. Especially when it's the color of a sidewalk. I can't believe I feel so uncharitable about her - she's Ms. Noodle on Sesame Street and is apparently a game gal, even though she's a Mormon with a tiny dog. Squinty little thing.
Again there's that M&M's commercial with "This is the day". Do I have to remind you that The The changed my life?
A salute to binoculars in film? Jesus Christ. Not even worth it for the joke. Keri Russell is so cute. I just watched Waitress, like twice. But grey? Lord, girl, find a color.
Vosges Naga Bar: sweet Indian curry powder, coconut flakes, deep milk chocolate. I've really come around to milk chocolate - it melts so nice, and nowadays it doesn't all taste like gritty plastic Snickers chocolate. So? The spice is really good, but the coconut doesn't have much flavor, or decent bite.
Hey look it's Owen Wilson, looking sane! Hair out of his eyes at least. Oh I love award winners who barely speak English, means the speech is short and cute.
Frickin Jerry. As a bee. We go see most kid movies, but I couldn't drag us to that one.
Best Supporting Actress. I loved when Arkin won his award last year, he's such a breath of actual air. I'd love to see Ruby Dee and her ruby dress win, but it's hard not to root for Miss Cate or Miss Tilda. That poor British kid from Atonement, somebody should have brushed out her hair, and given her a different dress. Even a tux, like Tatum O'Neal did way back in the day. Jesus I love Tilda's hair. I love her speech, I love that she says "man" all the time. And I don't think anyone else can wear a black charmeuse sack like she can.
The Rock can actually wear the hair that Travolta is trying. He looks super in a tux.
God does Blanchett wear a dress. Purple! With some weird beady haltery strap - I would totally be pregnant if I could dress like that. Thank you thank you for cutting away to Johnny Depp as often as possible. Boy looks better in glasses than anyone else in history.
Well now here's one person who can wear white. Jennifer Hudson. Although the dress does a terrible thing to her ladies, turning them into one pyramidal boob. Maybe Philip Seymour Hoffman will never be the Helsinki station chief, but I think he should be Best Supporting Actor, mostly for his role as Dusty in Twister. But you can't argue with Javier as a choice. Such a great voice that guy has. And look at his happy ma and all her fantastic silver jewelry, man nobody ages like a Spanish lady.
Look, there's Tilda! One sleeve, hair like a hood ornament, god I love that woman.
80 years of Award ceremonies in 4 minutes - that actually works out.
Animated Feature. Hathaway's in red too! I bought a blue sweater today and thought of her. She looks pregnant though, big boobs I didn't know she had, scarlet lei, ripped-looking single sleeve. But she has such great hair. Wouldn't it be great if Persepolis won? Marjane's so great, each and every one of those books.
My kids didn't like Ratatouille, which is very strange - they usually love all kid movies. I think it was too fast-paced for them, and Remy was too much of a loner. But of course, there you go. My boy Nate Wragge must be pleased at least.
Vosges haute chocolat Black Pearl Bar: wasabi, ginger, black sesame seeds, dark chocolate. Hm. Loved the salt one better, the sesame seeds don't add that much, and I don't find the wasabi.
Beginning to dislike Heigl, certainly that short hair is way too retro and old for her. And the dress is boring. So makeup went to Piaf, which makes it Blanchett: 1, Cotillard: 1.
Amy Adams apparently can do anything, even sing soprano trills while wearing Spanx, with no shitty backup dancers to distract. I would expect this kind of professionalism from Kristen Chenoweth, but holy heck Amy is strictly a movie gal I think.
The governor is delivering the Oscars in their little animated intro. Nice to think he'll 1) ever be close to one and 2) has a job to do tonight.
Thank god for Jon Stewart. I miss cable. Thank god Johnny Depp is there.
Big ass beard on Viggo. Buddy, you're breaking my heart. I love DDL's earrings, he's been wearing them for years. Is Cate Blanchett sitting next to Chrissie Hynde? Who is that in the purple?
McAvoy, by the way, does not make the stubble. Boy should shave, maybe twice a day.
Does anyone not know that Diablo Cody used to be a stripper? Looks like they rushed a few jokes into the monologue.
Costume design! One of my favorites! Oh but boo, no production number like last year, just clips. The Beatles movie, the bummer McEwan movie, the new Elizabeth movie, the Piaf movie, and Sweeney Todd. Ha! Elizabeth! Hopefully a sign Blanchett will get the Oscar she was robbed of for the first Elizabeth movie.
Ellen Page, I hate the long chain necklaces, they're too casual for a gown, even that kind of dumpy black thing.
Yowza, don't you just worry Hillary Swank is going to bite things? Those teeth are so giant! And it's rather a predatory gown - Versace. But her hair is did, which is nice, for this group.
Fuckin Regis is backstage with, what? the janitorial staff? No, they're production number performers.
Everyone's in red: Heigl, Mirren, Miley. Julie Christie.
Jennifer Garner, pretty irritating. Again with the hair - why not brush? And all squoze up at the bust.
Dame Helen is wearing diamond sleeves? Beats the crap out of the Stuart Weitzman kicks Diablo Cody is famously wearing.
DDL's wife has some kind of arthropod attacking her bust, accented by little splashes of blood on the shoulders.
Cameron Diaz is wearing a ponytail. Even I brushed my hair for this event, and the only one paying attention to me is Big Man. Plus that weird bag at the back of her flesh-colored dress.
Amy Adams I loved in Charlie Wilson's War - she's got to be a funny smart kid, but why'd she pick the boring green column dress?
God I hate Regis. He found the old lady in the crowd, while actual interesting people are walking past behind him.
I am also liveblogging the Vosges aphrodisiac bar box. First up: Barcelona Bar. Hickory smoked almonds, grey sea salt, deep milk chocolate. Hm. Oh god. That's good. Did you want more? Ok. It's really really good.
God I hate Regis. Clooney brought somebody's babysitter? And she's wearing like beaded barkcloth curtains that don't go with her hair. Reege knows her name is Sara, but that's all.
Marion Cotillard looks awesome but why white? Cool she hasn't had her teeth all bleached.
Wow Travolta's hair! The wife is in orange looking ok, except her hair is so messy - compensating for the husband? Wouldn't be the first time. Travolta's voice is going higher and higher, isn't that weird?
Laura Linney always looks so classy. Boring though - navy. I bet it's Carolina Herrera.
Bardem cut his hair thank god. And one of the only men ever who can trot stubble out at a formal occasion and look great.
God I hate Regis. Somebody dressed Miley Cyrus like she's 30, and also pregnant.