Sunday, February 22, 2009

I've got blisters on my fingers

Oh I'm not even gonna COMMENT on little Reese's weird black and blue parentheses gown.
Hey not only is Sofia Loren alive but she gives HALLE BERRY a run for her money, even in that bronze Hello Dolly dress. I love these direct-address presentations for the major awards. The women are especially fantastic at this. Everybody's crying.
But frickin Halle Berry is the most gorgeous person at this event, and that dress doesn't suck at all. She's been drinking the blood of Thai virgins to stay looking so amazing.
Nicole Kidman is wearing, surprise, white. Looks like she and Angelina Jolie HATE each other though, man that was the iciest fake smile and tiny head incline you are ever likely to see.
Sean Penn, despite being atypically charming and very heartfelt... forgot to thank the wife. Ow, man, she was sitting right in the front row looking AMAZING, and she was the Princess Bride! Tsk, tsk.
The little Slumdog kids are still up for the finale! Yay, little guys on stage for best picture! Too tired to lose their minds, and so am I.

Almost ELEVEN and finally a dress slit up to Heebus! Plus it's purple, yay! It's on Alicia Keys, you know, the musician girls always give it a little extra, don't you think?
Really? Pairing wee Frieda with giant Liam? She must be wearing foot-high heels with that pretty blue dress.

THE DEAD. Nice to have Latifah sing 'em off. And I ain't gonna miss Michael Crichton, guy didn't believe in global warming. Probably crazy. But Roy Scheider, that's a blow. He shared my birthday! But it was a little bit of a bad year for men of color - Isaac Hayes, the black cop from Robocop, Bernie Mac, and Ricardo Montalban, my favorite Klingon ever.

Who's the tallest of the 5 previous leading men? Oh, it's Kline of course. Guy's a giant, but it don't mean you can keep that mustache forever, pal.
PSH, Meryl is going to be ON YOU for that little hatty-hat.
"Josh Brolin's brilliant work in Milk." heh heh, sounds like that Annie Liebowitz portrait of Whoopi Goldberg. or... something ewwier.
Sniffle. Heath Ledger.
Hey that's Sofia Loren! She's still alive?
No, really, sniffle. Heath Ledger.
Is Bill Maher's suit made of rubber? If so, I'm kind of impressed. Not enough to overlook the Karrine Steffans thing, of course.
Excellent! Philippe Petit balanced the Oscar on his chin! I'm guessing that's a first.
Best dress of the night, and it's on the director of the Best Documentary Short Subject? Well, you never know. Couple years ago it was Deneuve. Red faced with gold with twin drapes down the back.

Jessica Biel's dress got loose and is waterfalling down her front, AND it's white! Arg! This is the last year I'm doing this, if these silly girls can't sack up and commit to color, or fringe, or a slit up to Heebus, or a headdress. They look like a squad of fancy nurses.

OH wow... JESUS CHRIST! Huge Ass-man (lucky him, at this moment) and Beyonce just singlehandedly crushed the presumed return of the musical! That was THE klutziest montage number I've ever seen. Even Baz Luhrman looks stunned and appalled, and supposedly it's his number.

Natalie Portman is wearing PINK! Thank you, God and Natalie Portman! and she looks fantastic, even if the gown is not super interesting. Ben Stiller is imitating Joaquin Phoenix? That's almost... edgy. At least it's, you know, current.
What a classy, understated, friendly speech by the Cinematography winner, but, um, is he wearing Crocs?

I've NEVER liked SJP, and I kind of hate that dumb old hoopy white dress that squishes her boobs up VERY high and VERY squished, but seeing her stride out on stage, can we actually SEE THROUGH it? The center part and down hair don't make her face look any shorter or less... equine... AND she's standing next to my secret boyfriend, Daniel Craig. Phht.
These guys that won Costume Design for The Duchess have to at the very least be congratulated for getting any clothes onto Keira Knightley at all. I am so sick of seeing that skinny kid naked or nearly naked - she wears bandage tops when she goes out, and she wears only a hat - in the wrong place - in ads for Chanel.
Little Amanda Seyfried is at least wearing red, but the stiff fabric makes it look clanky. And if that montage was romance at the movies in 2008, cripes I haven't missed a THING.

That's better. A cute presentation for Tina and Steve Martin, but Tina Fey's hair is dumb. And yet more silver. Now, this is strange - Tina Fey actually kind of DOES have hips, unlike Anne Hathaway, and yet HER dress manages to not make her hips look big.
AAAANND Aniston is in silver AND white. Yeeeahh she's never going to wear anything interesting. But she can deliver a funny line, and I don't know why that doesn't count for more.

Ok Hugh Jackman, charming, but I don't guess we can expect that much funny. Singing.
No, really, he's still singing.
PSH is wearing a schmatte. He's a bold man. Always a hat guy, he wore the hell out of that fedora in Capote, and indeed he wore a beer hat in Twister, still one of his finest roles. He craved sustenance.

Ok lets recap: so far, no SWINTON, no Mirren, no Cher, no Cate Blanchett. No Julia Roberts, or Clooney, or Johnny Depp, no Damon, no Affleck, not even Paltrow. Kind of an arid year, I have to say.

No wait, we have SWINTON! YAY! Looking... like an android. Oh well, at least she's not wearing cheetah chiffon - christ, Whoopi. Holy MOTHERFUCKING shit Goldie Hawn now has Mickey Rourke's face, and more of that beige silk all these ladies seem to like. Also, brush your hair. Also, we can see your plastic boob brace.
It's Penelope, who thanks Almodovar, and whose dress I like better from the back.

You know, when I worked at the American Museum of Natural History, the communications dept would rather massacre a busload of schoolchildren than let a commercial film crew through those tall brass revolving doors. They turned down Relic (well they had bad blood with Richard Preston, who wrote the book), they turned down Night at the Museum. Now they're letting Sprint in. Standards. Nobody has no standards no more.

Meryl looks amazing, and I can't fault her for the grey - grey looks terrific on blondes.
Penelope raided Grandma's closet for vintage Balmain that is ALSO WHITE. I am getting really tired of WHITE tonight.
Jack Black wash your hair. Also shave.
Tomei, that IS a nice dress despite looking like the pile of cocktail napkins the bartender twirled a sideways glass on.
Leslie Mann is a big mirror, which is an interesting choice. Interesting is better than white.

Valentino: I remember the very first time I recognized a dress, was the Valentino Jane Fonda wore when she picked up her father's Oscar for On Golden Pond. I'd seen it in Italian Vogue, a russet gold-embroidered ballgown.
Oh the Slumdog Millionaire bunch, god the place is going to go bananafish when it wins.
Mickey Rourke wash your hair. He can pronounce Gaultier though.
Zac Efron I just last night noticed was in Firefly. He played Simon as a boy. Vanessa whatserface wants to meet Meryl Streep? Ho yeah, what on earth is she going to say to her?
RDJ's wife must be like 5'2", cause I think he himself is only like five and a half. But she looks pretty in that coral color.
Miley Cyrus, who can understand that?
Time for me to say shit about Anne Hathaway's dress. Ok. It's boring. And - am I hallucinating? It makes her HIPS LOOK BIG.

Winslet, boring. But at least it's a color. And if I'm not mistaken, even she knows she's going to win.
Diane Lane is MARRIED to Josh Brolin? I didn't realize. Nice Morticia dress.
Amy Adams, the red is great, but the puddle of Trix vomit around her neck looks like the stepstones that my kids made last summer.
SJP looks like Bride Barbie, and she's spilling out the top of it, and her beard is getting fat.
Taraji P. Henson, now that is a neat dress. Sort of mummy wrappings.
Gunn actually GRABBED Angelina by that skinny toothpicky arm, guess he heard how she rollerskated away from Seacrest at the Gold Globes.

Am I going to live-blog the Oscars AGAIN? With access to not even basic cable? You're kidding me.

I may not, actually. I'm feeling kind of blah again, and the prospect of saying mean things about Anne Hathaway's dress is not enough for me to get it up. I will be following the Fug Girls' liveblogging and the Guardian UK. And drinking.