It's a bitch convincing people to like you

decapitating a Care Bear, originally uploaded by your neighborhood librarian.

1. Maybe I can make a laptop bag out of my husband's old ties. Might force him to retire some.

2. Kelly Link's new book of short stories, Pretty Monsters, is offhand and horrific at the same time. Is that good? Well, if you've ever been scared out of your wits and yet laughing at the same time - and you liked it - you'll like this. It's like drinking pure vinegar.

3. What the hell is it with crows? They fly like the dryer broke and they're lugging their wet laundry to Mom's house on the bus.

4. There's a new beautiful gift book out, The Incredible Mr. Don Knotts, by Stephen Cox and Kevin Marhanka. Don Knotts. If Don Knotts can have a coffee table book, sure I can get my lavishly illustrated gift book about the Olsen twins greenlighted. (Whoops! Too late! Bitches beat me to it! (And OH MY GOD it's boring.))

Oh, now I should not be mean. Everyone deserves a fan base at some point in their life. For example, I used to know this woman who moved to New York to break into comedy. She did a lot of stand-up, some writing, some improv. But what she really wanted to do was sketch comedy. She had memorized the oeuvre of Harvey Korman and Vicki Lawrence. She once spotted Tim Conway across a room and made a gigantic ass of herself gushing all over him.

And that girl grew up to be Tina Fey. No, no, I'm just kidding. I don't know what Brook's up to.

5. My boys just got their school pictures. This one, the second grader, insisted on wearing his navy blue blazer and a TIE on picture day. His picture looks, I swear to god, like Ron Burgundy, except with dimples instead of a mustache. And smiling.

6. Tonight is my 25-year High School reunion. Am I going? I'm going. I'm a part-time librarian in Baltimore. I have two small boys and pink hair. I have nothing to prove, and if it sucks we'll leave.